Writer's Block: Check, please!

[stakebait]

I strongly prefer Dutch treat.

I don't mind people offering to pay, especially if they're the one who proposed the date, but I really get uncomfy when they insist... it makes me feel indebted, which I don't like, especially when I don't even have any concrete sense of what my side of the transaction is and therefore have no idea if I'm willing to take on the obligation or when I've met it. It's nothing as crude as "put out" but it's not quite nothing, either.

It also makes me reluctant to order what I really want (if I suspect it might happen) or feel guilty for doing so (if they surprise me with it after the fact) for price reasons, which is also uncomfortable.

It also makes me reluctant to agree to any more dates if I'm not absolutely sure that I'll be romantically/sexually interested in them, since I am potentially wasting their money. (And their time, but I'm wasting my own time at the same rate.)

It also makes me worry about what this says about their gender expectations... I am not a traditionally feminine woman; a guy who insists on fulfilling the traditionally masculine role is probably going to be a bad match for me in both directions... we're going to clash when I want to do for myself/be independent, and we're going to clash again when I fail to live up to the female side of the bargain.

(If it wasn't for gendered reasons, it might feel different, but in my 22 years of dating it's never NOT been a guy explicitly saying he feels he should pay because he's the guy.)

As I get to know the person better and it feels more like a relationship I do loosen up on this a little ... there can be more "you get this one I'll get the next one" once you're sure there's going to BE a next one, and concepts like "I treat you for a special occasion" or "I'll pay more because I have more disposable income than you" start to come into play.

That's not to say I've never let a guy pay. I have... three times. Because you get to a point where you're pretty much have to arm wrestle them for it, and it's undignified. But it's not a plus in my book.


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Comments

[mneme]

Nope! We used British pence pieces (never mind that they were worth about 2.5 cents) until drcpunk lost both of the two we had left over from the 1995 Worldcon.

Regarding affording less...it depends, really. I'm functionally supporting drcpunk these days as I'm employed and she isn't, but that's basically a matter of practicality, and we'd both prefer if she were employed. Plus, our relationship was very solid long before this became an issue. It's complicated, I think, but I think central is that the relationship dynamic was well established long before I had to decide whether to support her.

It's a little different with pocketnaomi, as I'll tend to cover one good-sized meal at some point during my visit (and, of course, cover my own transportation, hardly a minor expense). OTOH, my visits are infrequent (once or twice a year) and she'll typically make a point of taking me out for a meal at some point even if it isn't -as- nice a meal as the one I cover. I guess this counts as "infrequent," though.

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

*nodsnods* If I ever get to that kind of commitment, it would be different, I assume. Though I still think i'd have a much easier time supporting someone else -- emotionally at least -- than the other way around.