Writer's Block: Check, please!

[stakebait]

I strongly prefer Dutch treat.

I don't mind people offering to pay, especially if they're the one who proposed the date, but I really get uncomfy when they insist... it makes me feel indebted, which I don't like, especially when I don't even have any concrete sense of what my side of the transaction is and therefore have no idea if I'm willing to take on the obligation or when I've met it. It's nothing as crude as "put out" but it's not quite nothing, either.

It also makes me reluctant to order what I really want (if I suspect it might happen) or feel guilty for doing so (if they surprise me with it after the fact) for price reasons, which is also uncomfortable.

It also makes me reluctant to agree to any more dates if I'm not absolutely sure that I'll be romantically/sexually interested in them, since I am potentially wasting their money. (And their time, but I'm wasting my own time at the same rate.)

It also makes me worry about what this says about their gender expectations... I am not a traditionally feminine woman; a guy who insists on fulfilling the traditionally masculine role is probably going to be a bad match for me in both directions... we're going to clash when I want to do for myself/be independent, and we're going to clash again when I fail to live up to the female side of the bargain.

(If it wasn't for gendered reasons, it might feel different, but in my 22 years of dating it's never NOT been a guy explicitly saying he feels he should pay because he's the guy.)

As I get to know the person better and it feels more like a relationship I do loosen up on this a little ... there can be more "you get this one I'll get the next one" once you're sure there's going to BE a next one, and concepts like "I treat you for a special occasion" or "I'll pay more because I have more disposable income than you" start to come into play.

That's not to say I've never let a guy pay. I have... three times. Because you get to a point where you're pretty much have to arm wrestle them for it, and it's undignified. But it's not a plus in my book.


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Comments

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

We either went Dutch or traded off who was treating.

I tend not to want to mix money with my kink... actually I think that might be a hard limit for me, though if I was with someone who felt really strongly in the other direction, I guess I would try it once, or at least talk about it..

On a said evening would be okay, if it worked out to even over time. Or if one person always treated in restaurants but the other was spending an equivalent amount on their mutual entertainment in other ways, maybe...

One of the things is that my switchiness is about 95 percent sub and my bisexuality is about 80 percent het. So it won't just naturally work out to "and yet are" in my case. If I correlated my kink with who pays, I'd end up being paid for by guys the vast majority of the time. Among other things, it hardly seems fair to the guys. Being a dom doesn't come with a subsidy.

[bezigebij.livejournal.com]

Very valid. Especially if there is question about the achievability of the "yet are", and you're are right, that does seem to be harder to achieve in a heterosexual relationship wherein the female is the sub, because of the cultural assumptions and unawareness that often go along with that. And not mixing your kink with money is generally a good policy. Though, there is something about the song and dance of being pampered and treated during one's evening out that is just nice -- but then only if you know the sums are going to add up somewhere else.

I do think the lack of cultural assumption in gay male relationships is part of what makes this all easier. Typically, the top treats and everyone is generally and unconflicted about that.

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

Interesting! In my limited experience of gay male dating that's not the case, but then again my closest male bottom friend is also relatively well-off.

I don't get pampered that well in any case. Not that I don't want my fundamental needs and desires met, of course. But my submission is more about offering service, and being pampered reads to me as receiving it.

[rikibeth.livejournal.com]

One of the things is that my switchiness is about 95 percent sub and my bisexuality is about 80 percent het.

...I'm not the only one?

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

Hee! Not at all.