Jew-ish

[stakebait]

The High Holy Days are beginning. It is the custom at this time to say that if I have offended you in the past year, I ask your forgiveness, and if you have offended me in the past year, I forgive you.

I'm not willing to do either, as a blanket statement. But if I have offended you in the past year, please tell me, and I promise to listen and try hard not to be defensive, explain myself if you want explanations, hear what you'd rather I'd done differently and see if I can implement it, and offer what apologies I honestly have it in me to give.

And to the extent which I can release you from an obligation that I didn't bind on you in the first place, you certainly don't need to forgive me this week, or ever. I really hate the idea of people feeling unentitled to their hurt and anger; if I earned it, I will carry it as long as you need, and Hashem can put it on my tab instead of yours. If there is such a guy and these really are his rules, I have a feeling that one's not going to be the dealbreaker anyway.

And if you've offended me in the past year... well, I can't think of anyone who did, other than strangers, who we didn't already talk and resolve it. I really only have a couple of old grudges left these days, and they're *really* old. But if you think you might have offended me in the past year, or at all, feel free to ask about it and I promise to tell you the truth. I don't find I can forgive people on purpose... it just happens naturally as I heal. But it does happen, and I will do what I can to make it heal faster.

Comments

[snippy]

I make the reciprocal offer--but really I don't think we know each other well enough to have committed any offenses that require apologies.

May you be inscribed for a good year! L'Shana Tova!

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

I agree and happy New Year!

[ejg25.livejournal.com]

I only had one opportunity to offend you this year (perhaps something I ordered off the menu was not to your liking?). But I'm happy to say that it was one more opportunity than I had the year before.

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

Hee! How dare you have... whatever it was you had. :)

It was good to see you!

[eac.livejournal.com]

Happy New Year, Mer.

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

Thanks! you too.

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

Thanks and thanks@ L'shanah tova to you as well.

[mabfan.livejournal.com]

You know, I could never get into this custom of asking for forgiveness in general either. It always seems to me somewhat artificial.

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

Interesting that a practicing Jew and presumably theist feels the same way... though I was saying to Lesley the other day that I could see its uses in a ghetto environment... if you're in a small community with a lot of practical interdependence and little turnover, small grudges can really build up, and a yearly reason to clean house and force people to talk about it could be a useful social lubricant.

However since I live in a lot of large, loosely interlocking chosen communities that don't have to get along to get the well dug, and have a big emphasis on communication and emotional processing already, I don't feel that the advantages outweigh the weirds for me.

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

In any case, l'shana tova. May it be a happy, healthy year for you and Nomi and Muffin and Squeaker. And may Muffin and Squeaker forgive me for knowing those nicknames when they grow up. :)

[mabfan.livejournal.com]

L'Shana tova right back at you!

And Muffin and Squeaker will have no one to blame but Nomi and me. :-)

[ocean-song.livejournal.com]

happy new year to you. And by the way, I randomly met the husband of your friend today, the one in Indy whom you had talked about introducing. So, even as a stranger in a strange land, in a city of 820,000, the world is small.

And I like the ritual, more because it forces me to take stock and let go, rather than having anything to do with anyone else. And I guess I like the historical niche it sits in, where if people were forced to make vows or forswear themselves, in order to survive, we are reminded that god (or the universe or whatever) is bigger than those regrets and self-judgements. That's what speaks to me this time of year. Just my 2 cents.

and my thanks. As I mentioned in my journal today, I was just having a helluva day, and from out of no where, your influence and kindness was felt.

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

That's funny! How did you know it was him? I'm glad you guys have gotten in contact.

I don't find that it's possible to force me to let go -- for me that is an oxymoron. All you can do is force me to pretend to let go, or force me to feel guilty and unentitled for not letting go.

And since I don't believe in God and have more trouble feeling entitled to take my own needs and wants seriously in the first place, reminders that the universe is bigger are not what I need. I need reminders that I am big enough to count and the universe can take care of itself.

I'm glad it works for you, but the things that work for you do not work for me.

[ocean-song.livejournal.com]

I didn't know it was him. I was just being friendly to the nice orthodox jewish man with the kids. Then he somehow made that leap that I was me. Go figger. I really think it's ridiculous how he made that leap, as what are the chances the random woman in the government office who moved here from CA is an acquaintance of a friend. very Kevin Bacony.

ln terms of the other stuff, I think you are right in terms of semantics. no, of course you cannot be forced to let go. And I wouldn't want to be.

I'm not talking about letting go of my stuff in regards to other people. more about my stuff about being undeserving, falling short, failing, disappointing myself. For me, the ritual is not in God's eyes or any other being. In my own.

I feel like we are almost saying the opposite sides of the same coin. Reminding me that the universe is bigger than me and my guilt makes me feel more right sized and realistic.

I do believe in God, but I also am totally at home with atheists. And I'm a pagan Jew, and somehow I feel ok with being a polytheist in a monotheists world. I am just very at home with complexity/diversity, even in my own mind.

In many ways, I feel I've become too complicated and am seeking simplicity through more traditional paths. Odd, but it works for me.

I am glad that there are many rituals and ways of being that work for everyone. And I think it's great that the things that do work for me don't for you and that we can discuss it (even if it's only every other year or so. LOL) If we all did the same things or found joy and beauty in the same things, the world would be very boring.

I like how well you are able to articulate your world and your point of view and your experiences. It challenges me to do a better job.

Anyways, thanks again. I was just having such a shit day, and it really did make me feel oddly cared for in the serendipitousness of it all.

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

Totally Kevin Bacony. Although considering that he's Orthodox I'm going with Kevin Brisket. :)

I hope you have a better day today!